Dads as well as mums can be stay-at-home dads these days, and I’m one of them, I’m not solely at home all the time for financial reasons but compared to doing 50-plus hours at work and barely seeing the kids and family etc.. I’m completely opposite now, however, speaking to others and now explaining that I’m a stay-at-home parent can be challenging.
Always work has been the priority
As I’ve detailed in other posts, I was full-time worker for about 20 years, almost as soon as I came out of school, I literally started at McDonald’s just before my 17th birthday, fast forward in retail, I worked in a few companies and was a manager for 15 years. However, due to circumstances all happening at the same time we made the decision to flip, Boo was earning more money and sacrificing time and money to look after the kids as they were still younger, while I being in retail wasn’t earning as much which isn’t a surprise for retail.
Even with all these years in retail, being a manager, HR, loss prevention, Training Manager, strong reputation and winning awards, this ultimately didn’t mean much financially. So I decided to go part-time, doing around 16 hours a week that we can fit around the kids at school and Boo’s work.
This initial decision for others was perhaps surprising, especially as they didn’t understand how much money I earned while the potential for Boo to earn, however, these reduced hours meant I was able to either smaller chunks to fit with the kids or do just two long shifts and arrange to fit child care between and Boo and I.
A change
This initially started well, for me, it was such a difference and break from it all, I had to go to planning meals, and activities with Piglet who wasn’t at full-time school yet, and being there for the other two as they went to school etc. Even though in the past I had done patches of this I really had days, weeks and almost months of leaving about 7.30 and not getting home until about 7 ish at night.
But of course, with this change, there was natural questions, whether it be family, friends, new work colleagues, school-run parents etc… it was still not the norm, to have the dad the main stay-at-home parent. Time had changed, go back 40 years, maybe 30 even 20, this is a different world to the time before then, but even in these time blocks it was still a question whether the dad would be at home.
Not even the possibility of sharing 50 -50 times was in the mindset of others. I thankfully didn’t make the decision all those years ago, and I think the treatment and questions would be far more judgmental and tougher than in recent times.
However the world has changed and moved on, and you could argue its much better than 20 years ago or maybe 10, but however you feel the time and the world have moved on it isn’t at the level, its still has that mindset that if a mum says they are staying at home parent or part-time etc its an accepted term and thought process,
but if a dad says it? The replies are ” oh really?” “yeh?”, “oh what made you decide that?” , Almost all replies are met with a facial reaction. With many, I don’t think there’s malice or harm to it, and it’s years of history and subconscious mindset.
People’s silent opinion
For me I got to the point of almost either not mentioning it, or doing a very brief explanation, I started positive and full disclosure and I was happy, no issues for me… but with the reactions it grounded me down a little, the odd person would even have a comment, almost a like a judging statement by giving their opinion, whether I needed it, asked for it or not.
Social media of course provides a different view, everyone has an opinion and feels like they can talk about their experiences or what best, It is a tornado of comments and opinions, for me I’ve intentionally never gone into detail while leaving my blog posts as a way of talking about it, negating this.
Now as time has gone on for us its become more acceptable, I still get comments or the slight undertone of questions and reactions, with Covid happening I had to work more at the time, and as we came out the other side Boo and I went far more 50-50, I’ve gone up in hours while she does less than she was doing, within the household we’ve shared much more out, but this is different to the early years when Bo would do easily 90% if not more and I would help when I’m there, which was not a lot.
Going forward
Weve hit a good happy medium, we will never be one of those people who have lots of money, and we always put the kids first, but the ability to share the time with the family is great, for me I love to be far more involved at home,
I still face those reactions and as the world continues to move on hopefully the norm will be either parent at home, not just the mindset that it must be the mum, as many of those with those judgements and comments are mothers that are at home or part-time, which rightly or wrongly as a man, and dad we cant make those comments with the fear of Woke world, so will be in the wrong either way.
