Death and Grief is something many people struggle with, it can be hard, life-changing, and dealing with the loss can equally be as tough. The trauma of it, whether something in your life or something happening around you can stay with you forever, I struggle with it.
Now I have not dealt with anywhere near as much death and grief as others in the world, I commend those people that are able to deal with it, or cope, or just get on with it, I have a ton of respect and love for those people and I hope I don’t have to deal with that level of Grief and loss that others have had.
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For as long as I remember I’m an emotional person, I’ve never been afraid to show emotion or cry etc when something is sad, whether it’s a film, TV or something happening in real life I could often be brought to tears. When I was younger I would watch Films or TV in particular and easily be upset with what’s going on, the minute someone would die etc I would cry, even if I thought about it later this same would happen.
As the years went on it continued, I could not be following the film, TV, or even know the person would died and would cry and feel upset straight away when you would read on the news or Twitter and other social media platforms that someone had died I would cry, I could never have heard of them and still get upset about it, I could see someone talking about it or themselves being upset and I would then cry and be upset.
Grandad, my favourite person
Luckily in my life, I haven’t had to deal with loads of Death, certainly, not many that are close to me, and not the level that others have had, When I was young I lost my Grandad, he was my favourite person and at the time we were living with my gran parents while some work was being done on our house.
It was right before Christmas, we all woke up, something was wrong I went to school as I was young and then after a couple of days he had passed, I never got to see him again or attend the funeral which ultimately was the right decisions as I was very young.
Many of our family live far away, or we don’t have a lot of contacts, half of my family I never met, or very limited as it was on my Dad’s side, so have family members was very limited. The blow of losing my Grandad wasn’t great but I was quite young, as I got uncle I lost my uncle, it was a great way how he went as he didn’t look after himself very well, and it was a battle towards the end.
This was a blow to my Nan, he was staying with her at the time, and in many ways helped her by shopping, dog walking etc over the years, generally just being a company.
More Family loss
But growing up due to a variety of reasons I was very close to my Nanny, I would often spend weekends there and saw her almost everyweek, even when I got older I would pop there fairly regularly with Boo, and made a point to visit her with the kids as they came along, even for Boo and Roo they loved my Nan, she was a funny old lady who had a lived a life…
However after helping my mum taking her to the hospital for an appointment, which I didn’t really know what was going on, we found out she was seriously ill, something I had no idea what I was walking into, I was just giving a lift and helping out for the day and had no idea of any tests etc…
Unfortunately, the outcome wasn’t good and she quickly went downhill, luckily she was in a ward where Boo worked for the last few days etc and was given the care and attention she deserved in the final stages. I didn’t see her in the final stages once she went into the ward, this was too hard for me, and I will have to deal with that, but again it was too hard, we always had a special relationship and was close.
In reality, I perhaps have never got over this and I probably cry more so since it happened, especially if something that relates to gran parent or old person etc..its difficult to talk to and most people know it’s not a subject I talk about.
A Cloud that hangs over
It’s a cloud that hangs there now, and I could go into more detail buts it’s difficult to explain and perhaps would just go on a rant etc…why I get upset at anyone crying? at any death? even if I know what’s happening in a film or TV, I know it’s not real….but all these things happen and I can’t answer why.
I get a lot of people to get upset that’s just who we are, and I get no one around me gets upset as often as me, it’s possibly gotten worse as the years go on. There’s probably more going on than I think, especially with other things that’s happened or going on in my life, maybe at this point, I’m just a sad person, maybe counting down the days until I face my final ones.. who knows.